This is Marshal, my 15 year old Lhasa Apso.
I have mentioned him before, a few times, because of the dread I was feeling because of his chronic illnesses eventually causing me to have to lay him to rest. Just when I would think that it had to be done, he would get some better, and I would not go through with it. But this last time, he never got better. He became blind, his kidneys began to fail, and because he was from a "puppy mill" he ended up with a chronic condition that made him itch. Alot. some days he would chew and scratch until hair would start to come out. Then out of the blue, he would quit. Not flees, not anything that 5 different vets could put a finger on. The most frequent excuse I heard was "allergies".
My cousin, who runs a funeral home, gave me a casket for an infant, in which to bury him. The vet, seeing me as tore up as I was, never charged me a dime. I put his favorite blanket, and his bear in the casket beside him today. It was so peaceful for him. But not for me. I had never let a pet get this close, and I felt like it was a kid to me. The place I buried him was under a tree, and near a creak on our land.
You know, I have always been a skeptic of life after death, of religion, the "soul" and the afterlife. Most of my family that died off did so when I was real young, I have not experienced that sort of thing this "close to home" since I was an early teenager. So I guess it was easy, being a skeptic, and I still have my doubts lingering in my mind. That voice in my head that says the most probable scenerio is the "correct" one and that the probablity of there being more is very slim.
But today, I understand, more than you know. I wish more than anything, for it to be true right now. That I may see him again, and him be his happy, well and energetic self. To pet him again, or have him slump down on my feet, or that sigh he would let out when you had petted him too much and he wanted to just go lay down. Today, that skeptic was hit hard, and I know that hope now, that hope that I had as a young teenager when it happened to family members who passed on. That hope that they are somewhere waiting for you, and that nothing is truely final, and that they knew how much you cared about them, even when you didn't or couldn't tell them. Now, if I can just pick up and put away his food and water bowl. But that too, feels too "final"...
19 comments on Under a Tree, and by a creek.
Add a comment
To add comments without entering your email and image verification, you must be logged in. Login or Join Blogster
Oh just let his stuff sit a while! It is a comfort thing. I hope too!
That is probably what I will end up doing to be honest..
But I leave for a new home in delaware tommorrow, so I am having alot of big changes all at once. I need a Xanax IV drip at this point...
OMG James!! I am sorry about Marshal!! I know how hard it is to lose one of the family. And they are one of the family.
You know what I believe as I have stated it. I believe there is an afterlife and I do believe in a place called heaven and that as a believer I will see Pedro, Tiger, Frisky, Toby, Gretchen, Daisy, and Rascal again someday. I believe that God has a special place there for them. Have you ever thought about dog spelled backwards spells God?
You have a lot on your plate right now. This has to be very, very hard and a lot to deal with. What I feel and I don't know of course but, I think everything happens for a reason and has a purpose and plan. I think this worked out the way it did today before you had to leave. I'm sure someone close to you would have taken good care of him but, you would still worry and wonder about him being away. I do know what you mean about them getting better and then worse. Rascal our last chihuahua was 16 1/2 years old when he passed away 7 years ago. We had him from the time he was 5 weeks old. He went into kidney failure too. And everytime we were going to take him in and have him put down he would get better. He went on his own on the same day my husband had his first back surgery. It was very hard. I do believe they are in heaven and not in any pain and suffering and happy in their place called rainbow bridge waiting to see their owners again someday. In the mean time they are running, playing, eating, and drinking. Chewing on bones and toys. And playing with other furkids. Yes they are just like our kids and we have a kid. But they are our kids too. I read your post and just wanted to say that I am really sorry. Give yourself time to grieve and if you can't put those bowls away yet then don't. Give it time.
Jenn
James,how sad,knowing that how you feel.I went t hrough this with my first dog and it was just plain awful for me.Was depressed for some time.Never had a chance to say good bye,for was on a holiday and came home to this.Take your time and think of the happy times that you had with him.Write a journal and keep the memory alive.
You had him for a long time,which is good.For me mine was only seven and this was worse to die so young.We loved them.
Good luck in your move in Delaware.Keep us posted.Fredo
james, I am so sorry! I know that feeling all too well of losing a beloved friend. its been almost one year since my elkhound passed away. they really take a big part of our heart don't they? I do believe we will meet up with our furry friends. I have had several dreams of my Sheba, and she is always running and playing and I swear she is smiling. take care james.
James, I am so sorry. I soooooooo understand, especially at this particular point in your life but Marshal is such a thoughful soul. Marshal understood what this new phase in your life will bring you and how importnat it is for you to let go of all the old (especially your attachments to what once was) and to move forward without expectations and without bringing any baggage with you. No, Marshal was not baggage but he was a part of your old life. He hasn't gone anywhere and he is sitting there ferociously wagging his tail (I can see him) cheering you on and cheering for you for the future. He's very happy and playful and he feels very good. He's jumping up to grab a green frisbee out of someone's hand. He wants to be chased. He's having a BALL! He can run and jump and springboard up without ANY pain.
Without a shadow of a doubt, you will see him again. In the meantime, he's your biggest fan and your greatest cheerleader. He was an earth angel to you while he was here. Now he is your one of your guardian angels. He's proud of you and grateful for you at the same time. He is deleriously happy, James.
Don't hang on too tight for then he will be pulled back to this place and he won't be able to move forward. He will sacrifice himself for your needs (needing him near). Light a candle for him and let it out. Go to sleep...you will dream of him and you will know he is OK and he is happy.
Then you can begin the next chapter in your life as a fresh, clean slate.
You've got a lot to look forward to, James.
Hugs and kisses [HEART][HEART][HEART][HEART][HEART][HEART][HEART]
Sending blessings and my warmest sympathies your way, James! The spirit of love and the spirits of all our loved ones are immortal to me and always present. I hope you can feel the caring arms of friendship surrounding you.
[HEART]
((((((((hug))))))))) bless your heart! I'm very sorry for your loss!!
Sorry to hear James, cherish all the good moments. Take care and lots of luck in Delaware ((hug))
Oh, James. I am so sorry. I would be crushed if something happened to Belle or Jolie. I definitely can imagine how you are feeling. We are thinking of you!
AJ
Oh, how I cried reading this! Sad for you, and I think because I have not yet stopped grieving for Coco, my Labrador, my friend for fourteen years. Yes, the love for these companions is as very deep and real as if for a child. How I know that! I am so sorry for you, James. I do believe in a hereafter, and I believe all of life is the essence, the spirit of God.
James I am so sorry--I DO believe that anyone we love who dies immediately becomes our angel always looking over our shoulder--I also belive that as long as we remember them they aren't dead.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand your pain, for I have lost pets that had been a part of the family. Our pets may be gone, but they will never be forgotten.
James, this is a heart rending story. You experienced such love and such a loss. I do believe you will be together with this wonderful pup again. You are feeling what I did when my dad left... I had to believe that he had gone to a better place. I do believe it. I have never felt a fear of death since then. I think they are all on the other side waiting for us, wishing us well, actually with us... helping us through life -- because a higher power allows it.
I'm one of the biggest dog lovers in the universe (one of many of course) and, I feel your pain having had to put to rest several dogs that I loved. Someday soon, your grief will turn to joy when you fall in love with another dog who needs you
Hey, your post really touched me. I know you're going to miss Marshal for a long time. Great dogs do that to to us.
You'll see him again, brother ... I know it ...
I read this really cool book about a man who had a near-death-experience ... he saw his dog in the after-life .... I cried for a good long while when my dog, Zeus died ... he was a white Chow with an alllergy to mold ... he was fine in the High Desert, but when I took him back to Texas, he got sick from the humidity ... I had to put him down, it got so bad ... I blamed myself for not taking good enough care of him, but I had to move ...
Grieve and love again, dude ...
I need to follow my own advice when it comes to humans, especially ... I'm not over my exfiance and that was three years ago ... I am dating some .... I'm having too much fun to get tied down to one gal ... so I date 'em all ... LOL ... someone has to ...
It doesn't hurt to let your dog know you're thinking of him ... be open to the possibility ... it hurts to trust in a Higher Power, but toss out all the Bible Belt ideas and offer the Universe a bold challenge ... challenge the Maker of all This to Reveal Itself to you ... then, be open to it ...
Stay in Touch,
Kirk
Hi James, Hope you are fine. I feel your sadness. And I see your frustration with the new Blogster.
Hope you are doing fine. Take care,
Oh my gosh... I'm soooo sorry! I still grieve for my "Rocky" who I miss terribly. Big hugs to you...